chaos.

what a hell is my life!!!!
one minute before i entered my home, i got the letter from josie. she encouraged me to wait for zeze, at least be honest to my heart. be honest to everyone, and make sure it harms nobody.
though i know that now i did choose cat as my boyfriend, but zeze takes still a huge part of my heart. it might be dishonest to cat, but i just could not control myself to stop feeling like this. maybe it is until july comes that i might have the ability to give up him and really focus only on cat. i'm sorry, cat, if you read it. i don't know if you feel comfident on this love game. sorry again i call it a game, but as my poor vacabulary, that's what i afford. i'm afraid if i just can't easy come easy go with my emotional affair about zeze. maybe i am the one who never satisfied herself if something she can't get. i've got no idea.
fine.
one minute after i entered my home, i turn my laptop on, because i want to have a look at cat and singzy's blog, and check my e-mails. a friend told me there will be a meeting about further study in germany held in sys uni. he sent me the information by e-mail. i've got the sixth sense of women? anyhow, i said to myyself, maybe i would recieve klaire's mail as well.
the truth is, it is her mail that lays in my mail box.
named, heart.
inhalt includes, she declares that zeze knew i've got a new boyfriend and he couldn't understand that. klaire said she could. she asked me if i want to give up or forget zeze.
what should i write as reply??
i don't want to be the one who breaks others happiness. i hope i recieve happiness as well. but maybe others is more important to me? i wish zeze is happy, even though he don't feel like choosing me. i don't know if this goal hurts others, like maybe cat. i can't offer my pure love to him. maybe we can do things together, such as swimming learning english maths or just walking or chating. he can give me a hug a kiss a warm feeling. but am i still thinking of zeze? i thought zeze might reply my sms faster than cat, zeze might appear on time for our dating, zeze might be more optimistic. how come?
i am suffering so called happiness.

my desire.

we met today.
we, which means cat and i, got a date today.
i was just on the willing of getting a hug from him all the time.
i wish we could go hand in hand all days months years long. i wish we could hug and kiss. the desire in my heart was so strong and it kept growing if i could not see cat for some days.
it's not a really nice sign. it should be more mentally cummunication between cat and me, which i mean, i am still a middle school student. even though i am an adult. but my body keeps telling me the real true natural need.
fine. let me face my desire. hopefully cat likes it.

Long time no write.

Things happens so rapidly. i could never imagine that i am now cat's girlfriend.
the question i am still asking myself today is, whether i choose him as someone i love, or just because we are both rather comfortable with each other.
i know to choose a boyfriend is like to choose a pair of shoes, which means it doesn't need to be good looking or nice priced, but it should be suit for your feet. that's the point. however, i am not sure if i made a good choice.
he couldn't ensure it neither. at least from my point of view, he insists to be himself. his ex-gf's wallop said, he should not change anything since he's such a clever or super guy. but what i believe is, if i love someone, i would like to change some of my idea or action or habbit just to ingratiate myself to him.
the situation now is, i am trying to change my timetable, my usual plan to suit his. i took metro for half an hour just for having a look at him. i didn't care if i had to go back for one and a half hour. but am i falling in love? or am i still remembering zeze? distances makes beauty? i don't know how to say it in original way.but i like a hug a kiss a sms with i love you. does it mean it doesn't need to be nesserry for me to care who does it?
i am confused.