Monday, 23 April 2007


what a hell is my life!!!!
one minute before i entered my home, i got the letter from josie. she encouraged me to wait for zeze, at least be honest to my heart. be honest to everyone, and make sure it harms nobody.
though i know that now i did choose cat as my boyfriend, but zeze takes still a huge part of my heart. it might be dishonest to cat, but i just could not control myself to stop feeling like this. maybe it is until july comes that i might have the ability to give up him and really focus only on cat. i'm sorry, cat, if you read it. i don't know if you feel comfident on this love game. sorry again i call it a game, but as my poor vacabulary, that's what i afford. i'm afraid if i just can't easy come easy go with my emotional affair about zeze. maybe i am the one who never satisfied herself if something she can't get. i've got no idea.
one minute after i entered my home, i turn my laptop on, because i want to have a look at cat and singzy's blog, and check my e-mails. a friend told me there will be a meeting about further study in germany held in sys uni. he sent me the information by e-mail. i've got the sixth sense of women? anyhow, i said to myyself, maybe i would recieve klaire's mail as well.
the truth is, it is her mail that lays in my mail box.
named, heart.
inhalt includes, she declares that zeze knew i've got a new boyfriend and he couldn't understand that. klaire said she could. she asked me if i want to give up or forget zeze.
what should i write as reply??
i don't want to be the one who breaks others happiness. i hope i recieve happiness as well. but maybe others is more important to me? i wish zeze is happy, even though he don't feel like choosing me. i don't know if this goal hurts others, like maybe cat. i can't offer my pure love to him. maybe we can do things together, such as swimming learning english maths or just walking or chating. he can give me a hug a kiss a warm feeling. but am i still thinking of zeze? i thought zeze might reply my sms faster than cat, zeze might appear on time for our dating, zeze might be more optimistic. how come?
i am suffering so called happiness.

Saturday, 21 April 2007

my desire.

we met today.
we, which means cat and i, got a date today.
i was just on the willing of getting a hug from him all the time.
i wish we could go hand in hand all days months years long. i wish we could hug and kiss. the desire in my heart was so strong and it kept growing if i could not see cat for some days.
it's not a really nice sign. it should be more mentally cummunication between cat and me, which i mean, i am still a middle school student. even though i am an adult. but my body keeps telling me the real true natural need.
fine. let me face my desire. hopefully cat likes it.

Thursday, 19 April 2007

Long time no write.

Things happens so rapidly. i could never imagine that i am now cat's girlfriend.
the question i am still asking myself today is, whether i choose him as someone i love, or just because we are both rather comfortable with each other.
i know to choose a boyfriend is like to choose a pair of shoes, which means it doesn't need to be good looking or nice priced, but it should be suit for your feet. that's the point. however, i am not sure if i made a good choice.
he couldn't ensure it neither. at least from my point of view, he insists to be himself. his ex-gf's wallop said, he should not change anything since he's such a clever or super guy. but what i believe is, if i love someone, i would like to change some of my idea or action or habbit just to ingratiate myself to him.
the situation now is, i am trying to change my timetable, my usual plan to suit his. i took metro for half an hour just for having a look at him. i didn't care if i had to go back for one and a half hour. but am i falling in love? or am i still remembering zeze? distances makes beauty? i don't know how to say it in original way.but i like a hug a kiss a sms with i love you. does it mean it doesn't need to be nesserry for me to care who does it?
i am confused.