god is a girl, hell is the world.

mirror is just a magical thing for me. i can never imagine that my situation right now. yes. NOW.
some sentences are in my mind. such as, god is a girl, and hell is the world. i'm just suffering too much pressure from me myself. i am actually ruining myself, i know it, i definitely clearly know it. somehow i can't stop feeling depressed. i want to tell everybody LEAVE ME ALONE while at the same time, i am dreaming for if others treating me well. tears come some times.
i tried to write my thoughts down on paper. with those 3 totally full pieces of paper, i don't know what i am doing and how come i am doing. not really useful for me to release.
and where are my friends? FAR. in tianjin, in beijing, in nanjing, in shanghai, in the USA. anyway not by my side. i don't want to disturb the same one every time. who a hell ought to listen to the words now i am talking to myself or in front of the mirror?! nobody. nobody should feel obliged to talk to me, or comfort me. though i dream to have such a guy existed, i can't complain to anyone if it doesn't happen actually. i'm normally supposed to be the optimistic. i show my fake outside to others. maybe that's my dream figure. i won't achieve the goal.
despair.
i don't even trust people. who i trust, i really don't want to disturb. i'm not willing to show the dark part of my heart. blog might be the safest place. yes, i will be healed. i don't know how though.
life is no more a box of chocolate. it's a box of despair. my idea of suicide will come at the same time. hell.